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I've generated a handful of ideas, but quickly stalled afterward.
Lately, Roberto has been attempting to motivate me to write, offering to read whatever it is and telling me that he thinks I'd be good at it and showing me books on how to get published, including pages and pages and pages of publishing companies and their addresses, and though I appreciate his support and faith in me and my abilities, I feel like such a fraud, that I'm not creative and, when the feeling is at its worst, that I can't even write well.
-Tia
- Mood:
disappointed
Roberto and I began the day by making breakfast together in the morning, which always feels like a treat.
We had the opportunity to spend the afternoon/evening with some of his friends, but we opted to stay home instead. We watched old, previously unseen episodes of Big Love and played Wii games.
Once it was dark, we were able to see some of the fireworks at Cal Expo curled up together on the bed from the bedroom window.
We'd purchased a few of our own fireworks and after some hemming and hawing about when to set them off, we finally went downstairs. We began setting them off as a bunch of neighbors rounded the building, resulting in an audience of a dozen children and some of their families. Some of them had a couple of fireworks of their own and Roberto helped them set them up with ours. The children were really excited and impressed by all the fireworks.
The little girl downstairs gave each of us a Snapper and Roberto gave her the remainder of our firecrackers before we returned upstairs for the night.
I suppose it doesn't sound like much, but watching the fireworks with everyone and laughing and smiling, I felt genuinely happy. I can't remember the last time I've felt quite that happy. I'm glad we decided to stay home this time.
-Tia
- Mood:
happy
I miss not worrying about appearances; I was who I was, no excuses, comparisons, or masks and if my hair was messy or my shirt was dirty, I didn’t waste a moment of time that could be better spent on a smile or a laugh on a worry. I miss laughing and smiling without wondering who’s watching and what I look like.
I miss being able to want something just because I liked it. The benefit didn’t have to outweigh the cost and whatever it was that I wanted didn’t have to have a purpose at all. I miss the simple joy of brushing Barbie's hair and a weekend at home didn't imply that it was uneventful.
I miss feeling a strong emotion about something and not having to apologize for it, hide it, or feel as if it isn’t justified or appropriate. I miss emotions feeling genuine and not obligatory or polite.
I miss the amount of possibilities. My parents were never going to get old, I could be anything, even if my plans contradicted each other, and the future was too far away to begin to comprehend, let alone fret over whether or not what we planned for ourselves was actually going to happen or not. I miss living in the present.
But I suppose what I miss most of all: the lack of worrying. I’ve always been a responsible person, I was such a good child that I was a parent’s wet dream, but the “right” thing was so much more simplistic. I do my chores because Mommy and Daddy will be mad if I don’t. I do my homework because Mommy, Daddy, and Teacher will be disappointed if I don’t. I don’t pull my best friend’s hair because it will hurt her and make her cry. I don’t touch the stove because it will burn my hand, which will hurt. But now? There’s no consequence to not cleaning the house. Some things are more important than doing homework. Sometimes the things that hurt the most, whether it be our friend or ourselves, are "right" things to do. I miss simply doing “the right thing” without having to wonder if it was, in actuality, “right.”
-Tia
- 20:06 Roberto took me to Leatherby's Creamery. I now know what heaven tastes like. #
-Tia
- 22:08 I am much more excited about having a Slurpee than I should be. #
My sister, however, was both blessed to win drawings at the grocery store (Who really needs a Coca-Cola bear the size of a stove?) and had impressive skills winning stuffed animals from the claw machines outside businesses. Furthermore, she won a joint content run by Kraft and Crayola by finding a crayon in a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese when she was twelve. We were flown to Philadelphia where my sister participated in a photo shoot to be one of the twelve kids that would brandish the cover of the boxes and we were given a free tour of the city as well as the Crayola Factory.
So, yes, believe it or not, people do actually win those contests.
-Tia
At one point, Mommy mentioned how happy I was as a child and, in the photo album, there is a distinct time when I suddenly stop smiling.
Sometimes I think about how despite the growth I think I've made and the supposed maturity I've gained, that life was easier, that decisions were simpler when I was growing up.
I've spent my life with a distinct focus on accomplishments. I want to teach. I want to get married. I want to do this. I want to do that. Much of the reason for wanting those things is emotional, but when it comes down to actually doing them, the focus is on pursuing the accomplishment, in doing them correctly or the way I pictured rather than the experience.
I truly am content with quiet days at home, like today, and things are truly good, but I feel as if I'm lacking the I'm-a-huge-dork-and-I-don't-care-what-yo
I want to smile more. I want to laugh more. I want to think less and just experience.
-Tia
- 22:26 I wonder why everything is so much more exciting when it's almost time for bed. #
- 21:12 I wish everyone used the same damn website. Thankfully, there are tools to appease me by allowing sites to share information. #
My sister wanted to stay with us for a few days during her spring vacation from school and she, my mother, and I planned to visit a few wedding dress shops to see what our options are, both in style and price, and to find out general information because I feel absolutely lost in terms of preparing for a wedding. (I need to do what? By when? Oh, and I need THAT? It’s going to cost WHAT?) In order to make sure we had time to stop by that shop Roberto and I had stumbled upon months earlier because their service deserved recognition, we went there first.
We were greeted, she asked me a few questions to help determine what type of dress I wanted, explained the layout of the store in terms of the style of dresses, and left us alone to browse.
I was incredibly nervous. Dresses and other feminine things intimidate me (I’m supposed to wear those daggers on my feet? ALL DAY?!? Are you sure that skirt is going to cover my ass? Yes, that’s important to me! I’m supposed to put ALL that on my face?), but under the pressure of finding a dress I would wear on such an important occasion, such a photographed occasion, was oppressing.
However, both the saleswoman and my mother insisted that I had to try a few on, that I wouldn’t know what I really liked until I did so because the dresses on the hanger will look completely different on me, for better or worse.
Therefore, we each picked a couple that we liked for me to try on. My sister insisted that I try on her choice first and we all fell in love with it immediately. I had to, of course, try on the other dresses, some of which were contenders and others which immediately fell flat (crazy hems and dresses so heavy that I felt like I was wearing the whole damn store). After the first round, I was left with three dresses that had made the cut, two A-lines, one of which I call a “princess dress” that was a fine dress, but it didn’t stand out in a crowd except for that fact that I thought it was the type of dress I fully intended to buy. But, when I put it on, I did nothing for the dress and the dress did nothing for me. The other A-line was ivory with lace across the top half and the third dress, the one my sister picked out, was a mermaid dress, fitted to the hips and bunched to the side with a full skirt at the bottom.
I tried the latter two on a few more times, trying to choose just one, but ultimately I chose the mermaid dress, despite my hatred for most dresses of that style:
I hadn’t yet thought of whether I wanted a veil or not, but one of the saleswomen put one on my head while I had the dress on and, oh my god, it brought everything together and despite the fact that it was ridiculously overpriced, I had to have it.
I spent more than I wanted and planned to, but my parents, bless their hearts, picked up the tab.
In retrospect, there really wasn’t a choice between the two. The lacey A-line was a gorgeous dress, but it was obviously not THE dress, it was not a dress I would have purchased in the first shop I visited, months earlier than needed. On the other hand, the one I chose was stunning, stood out among all the rest, and I just had to have it, despite the fact that I could have ordered it at a later date.
In the end, finding the “perfect” dress wasn’t nearly as difficult as I thought it would, though “perfect” was nothing like what I expected it to be. Looking through photos of wedding dresses online, I found my attention being caught by A-line gowns, but when I tried those on, they seemed plain on me and were easily overshadowed by the dress that I chose.
And in case anyone missed it, Sacha picked out the one I chose.
And sometimes I feel as if those things are finally true, that I am a mature, well-functioning, capable adult. Other times, though, I feel as if I'm still the scared little girl I've always been.
I thought being more in touch with my thoughts, feeling, values, etc.
-Tia
- Mood: worried
It had the same effect on me as looking at furniture at IKEA or looking at appliances at Fry's did. I have very few complaints about my apartment, except the laundry situation (crazy ladies who use don't wash clothes every week and, instead, monopolize the machines for hours when actually deciding to do laundry or the changing of the laundry room hours after three years without notification that resulted in our clothes being locked up over night) and the incredible heat when living upstairs, yet I can't help but yearn for the time when I have my own house and I'm able to alter it to my specifications and purchase new, pretty things with which to decorate it. I look forward to a home that's truly mine, where I don't have to settle due to monetary constraints.
Sadly, this won't happen for a number of years, after we've both completed school, including my certification, though I'll be working in a classroom full-time prior to that, and I was left feeling envious sitting in her living room and with our feet in her pool while she returned the moving van.
-Tia
Late at night, though not necessarily quite this late, feels so different than any other time of the day. It's calmer and almost feels as if time has stood still. I can pretend that there aren't dishes or laundry to be done, papers to write or texts to read, or an alarm set five days out of the week. I appreciate that when I don't feel as if I've stopped to breath for months.
It's one of those nights where no matter how late it gets, I just don't want to sleep, even if I am sitting in the living room alone, because I feel just a little more whole.
-Tia
- Mood:
nostalgic
Ideally, I wanted a date that was significant to both of us, but we're constrained to the spring as we want to have both the ceremony and the reception in his grandparents' backyard, where many of his childhood memories originate. However, none of the milestones of our relationship were in the spring. We began talking online in July. We met in September. Our first kiss was in October. We officially began dating in November. He moved in slowly, as opposed to a conclusive decision on a particular day, in late winter. He proposed in November.
Both of our parents were married at the end of April thirty years prior to our wedding date (mine, the 20th and his, the 26th), though. We pondered days between those two days, specifically the 23rd considering it’s exactly in the middle of the two, but we also wanted a date that was during the weekend to ensure the highest percentage of guests.
Looking at the calendar and the remaining days when the weather will be nice but not too hot, we were left with the month of May. However, the mid to end of May is cluttered with birthdays or holidays, though not necessarily falling on the weekend of that particular year, it still too close for comfort, especially holidays that would keep family from attending the wedding or ex-boyfriend's birthdays. Therefore, we were left with only the weekend of May 1st and 2nd. I opted for the second because, aesthetically, I liked it better than the first and, c'mon, I'll have to live with it for the rest of my life. Also, I'm able to stretch the limits of sentimentality with math (05.02.10 = 5 + 2 = 7 and 10 - (5 - 2) = 7. You know, 07/07, when we first made contact with one another). Pardon my nerdiness, please.
Only 365 days to go!
-Tia
- Mood: excited
When Dan brought it to my attention a few weeks ago, I became very angry because I am incredibly busy; between working full-time and attending school full-time, I am away from home for nearly twelve hours every day. I am left with approximately four hours each evening to complete homework, household duties, and anything else that needs to be done or that I may want to do.
I attempted to reassure Dan that my absences are nothing more than a matter of circumstance, but let's face it, I've never been especially skilled at maintaining relationships. I'll get lucky and find some extra time to make a phone call or compose an e-mail. I'll make some time to follow-up, but the momentum usually falters shortly afterward. And the whole time I'm telling myself, convincing myself that this is how it has to be, that this is good enough.
Occasionally the group of girls with whom I hung out in high school write a group e-mail updating everyone about their new, exciting adult lives. I often do not reply, primarily due to the fact that I had convinced myself that no one had any interest in the happenings of my life or what I had to say. Rachel, however, shared with me one day that people had, in fact, frequently asked about me.
During my conversation with Dan, he mentioned that, at the very least, I could be more active on LJ, Facebook, Twiiter, etc., which initially sounded absurd to me because updating a 140 character status seemed so shallow and impersonal. I've always kept up-to-date on my LJ friends page, read bulletins, statuses, and updates on MySpace, etc. and thought that that was enough, but these two situations have made me realize that that isn't true. Despite what I thought, people, at least a few, actually have interest in me.
-Tia
- Mood: thoughtful
You are aware that it's not summer yet, right?
Sincerely,
A big puddle of sweat
- Mood:
hot
You must remember that you really, really want to be a teacher, that you wouldn't be happy doing anything else and, because of that, you have to return to that awful, awful university tomorrow whether you want to or not.
Signed,
Your Future
I just wanted to thank you for the last few days. Not only are you providing my state with much needed water, but you've kindly waited until I've been safely inside before each downpour.
I think this might be the dawning of a new era for the two of us; I can't hate you if you never actually touch me.
-Tia
- 19:32 I think it's about time to dust off the old Twitter account. I just have to make sure my LJ doesn't turn into the place Twitters go to die. #
- 20:35 Earlier this evening, we tried to feed the ducks at the park across the street, but there was more unwanted bread in the water than ducks. #
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